informedcommonsense

One man's insight into today's current events

Archive for the tag “political humor 2013”

The Ten Dumbest Questions Asked by the Dumbest Earthlings

In my travels, I hear some incredibly intelligent statements made by college grads, as well as those who have never gone to college.  Intelligence is intelligence.  Stupid is just stupid.

I’ve come up with some really, really, really dumb questions asked by Neanderthals living among us.  These are the Top Ten:

1.   Will my cellphone and PlayStation work after a nuclear war ?

2.   Can I still get my beer after a nuclear war ?

3.   Will I still get a government check after a nuclear war ?

4.   If my lawnmower is out of gas, will it run if I “THINK GREEN” ?

5.   Will I go to Heaven if I don’t smoke ?

6.   If I give up my guns, will I be FREE ?

7.   If I’m really, really nice to communists and fascists, will they let me keep my house ?

8.   If there is a nuclear war, do I have to take my finals ?

9.   When I get “hit” in a war-simulation video game, will I be awarded a Purple Heart ?

10.  If I drive a car I can’t afford, does that make me rich ?

The New Fascism

In tribute to Mayor Bloomberg, who has single-handed spawned the real-life remake of  ” Escape From New York,” I feel compelled to elevate his agenda to an “11.”  From this moment forward:

1.   No one will be allowed to display more than 15 bumper stickers on their auto;

2.   Those who hate cigarette smokers will be required to smoke 60-ring gauge double-maduro cigars for a period of one year;

3.   Those who like Willie Nelson will be required to listen to AC/DC non-stop at the nearest reeducation center;

4.   Those who spit on military veterans will be summarily executed;

5.   Those who espouse vague philosophies will be required to return to the third grade;

6.   Those who have no idea what I’m saying right now will be required to ingest a double-espresso;

7.   Everyone will be required to enjoy a Big Gulp under the auspices of the local police;

8.   Anyone who actually enjoys movies put out by Hollywood today will be required to have a lobotomy;

9.   Momma Boys will be required to pay for their own Humvee;

10.  Those who yak all day on cell phones will henceforth have to listen to themselves in an isolation chamber;

11.  Those who don’t play their stereos loud enough will forever be dubbed nerds.

See ya.

 

 

 

A Standardized Test: Surviving 21st-Century America

There are many forms of torture, the most heinous being standardized testing.  Most terrifying are the ACT, SAT, GRE and LSAT.   My condolences go out to the many who have been subjected to these mental pat-downs.  To those who have somehow avoided these travesties, you are to be congratulated for refusing to remove your hat in front of a computer screen.  Most of these byzantine exercises contain a section devoted to convoluted analogies, to which survivors still suffering from post-traumatic stress will attest.  These analogies go something like this:  red, airplane: (fill in the blank), (fill in blank).  In this case, the words “color” and “transportation” are the correct keywords, chosen by the human guinea pig  from a short list of possible answers. That is to say, red is to airplane as color (red) is to transportation (airplane).

Following in the tradition of post-modern education in America today, the following standardized test is provided with the correct answers ahead of time, providing the test-taker with an automatic sense of entitlement.

 

Republican, Democrat: rattlesnake, black widow


Politician, Lobbyist: Fox, Sheep’s Clothing

 

American Foreign Policy, White House Statement: Tornado, Clear Skies

 

Bureaucracy, Truth: Bull, China Shop (not to be confused with sweat shops condoned by bureaucracy in the country of China).

 

Pres. Barack Obama, Pres. Abraham Lincoln: Lump of Coal, Diamond

 

TSA, Airline Passenger: Swine Flu, Death Camp Survivor

 

Stimulus, Jobs: Quid Pro Quo, Fewer

 

Government, Media: Cobra, Asp

 

State Department, Pentagon: Employer, Employee

 

War in Afghanistan, World War II: Vietnam, “Mission Accomplished”

 

Hopefully, this short test will provide you with understanding when confronted by government entities, much like the “universal translator” employed by the crew of the USS Enterprise when encountering strange life forms throughout the universe.  Best of  luck, and may God be your copilot.  

NO. NO. NO.

The latest word in the futurist community is that we will soon see posted signs saying the following:

NO CRITICAL THINKING.  NO IMAGINATION.  NO LOGIC.

NO COMMON SENSE.  NO WIT.  NO GENUINENESS.

NO HUGGING OR KISSING.

In a highly controversial decision, the American public has agreed not to grant waivers to politicians, since they already demonstrate these traits.

Happy New Year (unless, of course, you’re a zombie).

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