There are many forms of torture, the most heinous being standardized testing. Most terrifying are the ACT, SAT, GRE and LSAT. My condolences go out to the many who have been subjected to these mental pat-downs. To those who have somehow avoided these travesties, you are to be congratulated for refusing to remove your hat in front of a computer screen. Most of these byzantine exercises contain a section devoted to convoluted analogies, to which survivors still suffering from post-traumatic stress will attest. These analogies go something like this: red, airplane: (fill in the blank), (fill in blank). In this case, the words “color” and “transportation” are the correct keywords, chosen by the human guinea pig from a short list of possible answers. That is to say, red is to airplane as color (red) is to transportation (airplane).
Following in the tradition of post-modern education in America today, the following standardized test is provided with the correct answers ahead of time, providing the test-taker with an automatic sense of entitlement.
Republican, Democrat: rattlesnake, black widow
Politician, Lobbyist: Fox, Sheep’s Clothing
American Foreign Policy, White House Statement: Tornado, Clear Skies
Bureaucracy, Truth: Bull, China Shop (not to be confused with sweat shops condoned by bureaucracy in the country of China).
Pres. Barack Obama, Pres. Abraham Lincoln: Lump of Coal, Diamond
TSA, Airline Passenger: Swine Flu, Death Camp Survivor
Stimulus, Jobs: Quid Pro Quo, Fewer
Government, Media: Cobra, Asp
State Department, Pentagon: Employer, Employee
War in Afghanistan, World War II: Vietnam, “Mission Accomplished”
Hopefully, this short test will provide you with understanding when confronted by government entities, much like the “universal translator” employed by the crew of the USS Enterprise when encountering strange life forms throughout the universe. Best of luck, and may God be your copilot.